Cat, Dragon and High School Dropouts
by Satanic Wishes
Summary: Guess who dropped out of high school? What happens when we give them a ship named the Black Pearl, a Dragon named Saphira, and a cat named Solembum, and send them to a special school? Let's find out...
1. High School Dropouts

"And then we add eyes, like that, and a nose, and then a mouth, and there you go!" Eragon ShadeSlayer folded the cartoon picture and passed it to his brother, Murtagh ShadeEater, across the aisle. Murtagh reached out and grabbed the picture out of his hand. He unfolded it and laughed out loud. Everyone looked around to see what the commotion was. ShadeEater managed to disguise his laugh as a cough. In front of Eragon and Murtagh, Nasuada turned and looked questioningly at them both. On the stage at the front of the hall, Principal Islanzadí continued her speech.

"As I was saying, I am pleased to announce that the school has an all-time low of two people who didn't graduate." The students cheered. "Incidentally, those two who didn't graduate happen to be the same students that, with their combined efforts, completely demolished the school safety inspector, Durza. Might I remind you that it is illegal to kill slash eat school safety inspectors, and 'Violence against Shades – Alagaësia says no'." Again, the students looked towards Eragon and Murtagh, this time shouting praise. Nobody liked Durza. And still, it seemed unlikely that anybody could like him even if he weren't a Shade or a safety inspector. There were rumors that he was Michael Jackson's evil twin… "You may go. But would Murtagh and Eragon please come to my office."

There was a steady stream of students, humans, elves and dwarves alike, heading towards the doors. Murtagh noticed Nasuada, and how her dark skin stood out against the crowd. Keeping his eyes on her, he said to Eragon, "This is majorly whacked out. Let's get away while we can." Eragon's eyes lit up. But then, two heavy hands landed on their shoulders.

"Where are you two going?" Eragon turned around and smiled. It was Brom, this should be easy.

"We're going to a restaurant for lunch. Wanna come?" he asked the teacher type dude. Brom looked as if he was making a huge decision. Should he go to lunch with the young troublemakers or turn them in to the principal? But then he remembered – he was having Chinese food with Galbatorix this afternoon.

"I'm sorry, I'm having lunch with Galbatorix this afternoon." Murtagh grinned evilly.

"Oh, yeah, old Galby, how could we forget? Sorry."

"Don't mention it, boys. But that means you both have to see Islanzadí about your… diploma, erm… things. Come on." The boys groaned as Brom led them to the office of Islanzadí. Their long wails could be heard from the other side of the school.

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Eragon jumped, and looked towards the 'Evil Lord' Galbatorix's office. The Evil Lord was laughing highly and cruelly. Eragon looked across Brom to Murtagh. "Hey, Murtagh! That guy was my science teacher!"

Brom stopped and held them back. "Oh no." Seconds later, there was a loud bang and a lot of black smoke in front of them. Galbatorix emerged, coughing. He leaned on Eragon's shoulder, and Brom whacked Galbatorix hard on the back a couple of times.

"Thank you Brom. But did someone just refer to me as 'that guy'? You don't know how rude that is!"

"Yes, they did. Now, out of the way, Galby, I have to take these two boys to the principal!" Brom's eyes fell to what Galbatorix was wearing on his feet. "Wow, those are some awesome fluffy slippers? Pink suits you! Later, do you want me to paint your nails as well?"

Galbatorix growled. "You know, it's because of people like you that I forced everyone to call me 'Evil Lord'!"

Brom smiled pleasantly. "As far as I know, you're the only one who calls anybody 'Evil Lord', and when you do, you're referring to yourself!" Murtagh grabbed the back of Eragon's gangster t-shirt. Let's go, he mouthed. They took themselves to the principal's office, looking over their shoulders as they went. Brom and Galbatorix were still deep in conversation. Eragon knocked on the door, and the boys waited.

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"As if failing all of your classes wasn't enough, you, Eragon, chose that time to experiment with your magic." Islanzadí turned to Murtagh. "Eating the corpse was just taking it too far."

"But I was hungry," wailed Murtagh.

"Silence. In normal circumstances, I'd at least hold Eragon back a year. But if I held you back as well, it would be your third time. Now, I've thought long and hard about this. I'm letting you both go." Murtagh looked up from the fray in his jeans knee. Eragon's jaw dropped slightly, his mouth forming an O. But their faces both had blank expressions on them. Seeing this, Islanzadí tried to explain further. "Umm, that means you're both expelled." Only then did she get the reaction she was hoping for.

Murtagh jumped up and shouted at the top of his voice, "FiretrUCK YOU!" Ah, he has such clean language.

Eragon glanced at his older brother with a scared look, and turned back to the principal, who was looking quite shocked at the display of language. "You can't expel me, I'm dropping out!"

Murtagh thought for a bit. "Why didn't I think of that?"

Eragon smiled evilly. "It's because you can't think!" Murtagh made to strangle Eragon, but Islanzadí held him back.

"Unfortunately, you will both need to attend a special school. It's for people who have killed or eaten Shades, so you both get in!"

Murtagh and Eragon looked at her intensely. "It'll have a vending machine, right?"

Islanzadí nodded. "There is also a giant waterfall and a lake."

Murtagh clapped his hands together. "My work here is done."

"Tell us about the school. Where is it? What's it called? How will we get there? Why--"

"SHUT UP, ERAGON!"

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Eragon looked down at his notes. "Ok, it's called the Varden, it's located in the Beors. To get there, we first go to Teirm to deliver a message for Islanzadí. And then we sail down to Surda in a ship called the Black Pearl. I recognize that name from somewhere… But anywho, I'm not sure what we do after that. I think we're meant to run as fast as we can across Surda, but then again we might just have to stun a faster lamb to cross further."

"What does that even mean?"

"I don't know. That's why I dropped out."

Murtagh thought for a moment. It looked hard. "Hey, this means I'll be leaving Nasuada for ever!"

Eragon looked at his brother with pity. "Hey, you can always take a memento of her with you…"

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"Eragon, is the coast clear?"

"Yep, you can go in!" Murtagh ran across the walkway and ran through the door of Nasuada's bedroom. He started searching the underwear draw, and found what he was looking for. It was a bright pink bra. They heard the doorknob turn behind them.

"Eragon! You were meant to be keeping watch outside the door! You idiot!" After a long while, the door finally opened. Nasuada came in, and dropped her books.

"What the hell are you doing in my room? Holding my lucky bra?"

Murtagh looked around. His gaze found the bra in his hand. "Oh, you mean this bra." He started walking out the door. Nasuada stopped him, so he explained. "We're going to a special school for people who have killed or eaten Shades, and I wanted something to remember you by." Nasuada's face softened.

"Oh, that's so sweet, of course you can have it!" That's why Murtagh walked out of Nasuada's room carrying her bra…

"Hey, Eragon, how exactly are we going to get to Teirm?" he asked.

"Hmm, we could ride Saphira?" Eragon suggested.

"Wow, you're a Dragon Rider?" exclaimed Murtagh. I love that word. Exclaimed.

"Duh. Now we can practice flying on her!"

What fun, Murtagh thought. He was afraid of heights.

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Once again, Murtagh fell off. Once again, Saphira caught him in her front claws. Once again, he was thrown to the ground. The only thing that was different this time was a loud snap. It was Murtagh's neck, and he's now lost the use of his arms and legs… He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pink mobile. He rang a number, held it to his ear, and waited. Eragon felt his phone in his pocket vibrate. He picked it up. "Uh, hello?" All he could hear was maniacal laughter from two places: his brother lying on the ground and his mobile. "Murtagh," he said into the phone's mouthpiece, "You're right in front of me. You don't need to ring… Wait a minute, the author said you'd lost the use of your arms and legs!" I admit I might have been wrong. Murtagh hung up, and got to his feet. He was still laughing maniacally. Eragon looked at him. He didn't have any scratches at all… "Ok, I think we can get going now!"

"Yipeeyiyay!" shouted Saphira.

"Wait a minute…" said Murtagh. "Where's Thorn?"

"Oh, him." Saphira looked away. "He's gone into labor." Both Murtagh and Eragon looked at her in shock. And here I was, thinking he was a guy… "Just kidding. He's gone on holiday to the Bahamas!" said Saphira happily.

"The bastard-type idiot thing!" Murtagh yelled. "Why didn't he take me with him?"

Saphira inspected Murtagh's body. "He mentioned something about you being too fat. I can't say I agree. That shows what a weakling he is." Murtagh growled.

"Let's just go…"

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**Heh, told you I'd write it! Thinking about it, I gotta finish this, 'The Randomness Of Stuff' and I have to write 'Snapes on a Plane'… I'm gonna be real busy.**


	2. To Teirm

Eragon stared, bored, into the distance. Beneath him, Saphira's breath became labored. It seemed that the load was too much for her. She started losing a lot of altitude quickly. Eragon heard her voice in his head.

"Too… Heavy… Must… Land… Somewhere… Go… To… McDonald's… For… Food…" Eragon turned to Murtagh sitting behind him, completely unaware of Saphira's burdens. He was just sitting there, playing 'Super Mario Brothers' on his Nintendo DS. Maybe Thorn was right, Murtagh might really be that heavy. Eragon spoke up.

"Erm, Murtagh? We're losing altitude. We have to throw something off…" Murtagh looked up. His brother couldn't be serious; Eragon wasn't really considering throwing him off?

"Yeah, well, throw your luggage off! Look at how much room it's taking up!" The boys looked at Eragon's almost empty backpack in the crook of Saphira's neck.

"What about your luggage?" Eragon screamed. "It's taking up so much room, I almost can't sit properly!" They looked at the rest of the bags, taking up all the room on Saphira's back.

"It's not that much." Murtagh replied, almost scared of what Eragon might do to all his stuff. Eragon coughed, and pointed to the litter below them, packed full of even more of Murtagh's belongings. "Hey!" shouted Murtagh. "I need that stuff! For doing stuff!" Eragon raised his eyebrow.

"Right… I'm just gonna go through your bags and throw away all the stuff we don't need." He opened the closest bag, and went through it. As he named the items, he threw them off the side of the air transportation (Saphira). "Teddy Bear, Olympic Gold Medal, Waffle Iron, 1KG bag of peanuts, picture of Satan, Dragon chew toy, Laptop,"

"Hey, my LAPTOP!"

"Guitar, Sports Car… How did you fit all that stuff into one bag?" asked Eragon. Murtagh shrugged sadly, looking at where his laptop had fallen. Why wasn't it falling any further? And why wasn't Saphira moving? Saphira turned her head towards a building.

"Oh, look. What a coincidence (puff). We landed at the (puff) McDonald's car park (puff)!" she said. Murtagh looked at his watch. It was 9:30 in the morning.

"Yay, Eragon! They're still serving breakfast!" He bounced around everywhere, and landed on his laptop. "Hey, my LAPTOP!" Eragon looked at his watch

"How can they be serving breakfast now? It's eight o'clock at night!"

A slow realization dawned on Murtagh. "Oh no, my watch's broken!" Eragon and Saphira walked into McDonald's to order their dinner, while he fell to the ground sobbing. Just his luck, his Laptop and his watch had broken in the same day. Gradually, he got up and walked into the fast food store.

Eragon grinned happily as Saphira did a loop in the sky. It was good to be flying again. Murtagh, though, didn't share the same view as his younger brother. He sobbed into his backpack, and looked back to McDonalds, now just a speck on the horizon. Today, he'd had to say goodbye to practically all his belongings, from his CD player to his brand new sports car. It was a sad, sad day for us all. Saphira sped up.

"I can see a city! We might be able to stop for the night and get some food!"

Eragon spoke out loud. "Yeah. I know, I'm so hungry!"

Murtagh looked at the seemingly crazy person and dragon. "We've just eaten almost the whole stock of food at McDonalds!"

Eragon turned around. "You ate it all. Me and Saphira got a McNugget each."

Murtagh thought. It was hard. He gave up. "Okay, fine. We'll eat at the town…" He felt the cloak beneath his jumper. There was something solid wrapped in it. He counted the individual pieces through the cloak material. Yup, they were still there. Any minute, the McDonalds customers would all realize they were missing something… Almost instantly, he heard lots of loud cries, which sounded far away, but loud nonetheless.

"Hey, our WATCHES!" Murtagh smiled, and looked at the brand new watch on his wrist. If only his mum was here to see this…

Saphira looked at the blue town in the distance. Sure, the trees might be blue, and Thorn might be blue, but this town was bluer than anything else she had seen. Only once she was closer could she see the town clearly. It was Teirm! With joy, she told Eragon about her find.

Eragon shouted with joy, and turned to his brother. "Murtagh, it's Teirm! We've made it to Teirm!"

Murtagh looked puzzled. His superior logic had taken over his mind, where cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets and French fries had ruled just moments before. "How did that happen? We've only been flying one day, and we haven't even crossed The Spine!"

Eragon shrugged his shoulders. "Don't ask me, ask the Author!"

Murtagh turned to the Author, who had appeared out of nowhere next to him. He didn't seem affected by this; it was as if he was expecting it. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.

"How should I know?" replied the Author. "I didn't even know Alagaësia had a McDonald's!" Murtagh rolled his eyes and looked away. "Hey, I saw that!" said the Author. "Do that one more time and I'll send you to the Naughty Corner!" Murtagh rolled his eyes again.

"We don't have a Naughty Corner! If you haven't noticed, we're riding on a _dragon_!"

"I'm the Author! That means I can make a Naughty Corner wherever and whenever I like!" The Author disappeared with a _poof_, and Murtagh was sent to the newly created Naughty Corner on the tip of Saphira's tail.

"This stinks!" he muttered.

"I heard that! Don't argue with the Author! And don't answer back, either, or you'll have to spend more time on the Naughty Corner!"

"Awwww, man!" moaned Murtagh. Eragon laughed hysterically, and Saphira let out a snort of laughter.

"Eragon! Saphira! Don't laugh at other people's misfortune! I'm sending you two to the Naughty Corners as well!" A Naughty Corner appeared in the crook of Saphira's neck, and a giant portable Naughty Corner appeared around her.

"Help me! I'm slipping!" yelled Murtagh, from his Naughty Corner at the end of Saphira's tail. "Help me! I slipped off and landed on the ground!" Eragon heard Murtagh say from somewhere far below them.

"Saphira, land!" he cried. Saphira did so.

"Hey, where's Murtagh?" she asked.

"I'm under here!" They heard a muffled cry from underneath Saphira. In a few minutes, all three of them were up in the air again, and Murtagh wasn't completely flat any more.

Saphira landed, and Murtagh let out a sigh of relief as he jumped off. "Hey!" yelled the Author. "I didn't say you could leave the Naughty Corner yet!"

Murtagh ignored him/her and said to Eragon, "I'm hungry. Let's go and get something to eat!"

Eragon looked him up and down. "Y'know, I think Thorn was right. You should call Jenny Craig™ or Weight Watchers™ or someone."

Murtagh got out his mobile (it was still pink). He typed in a number. "Hello, Weight Watchers™? I'd like to tell you --"

"Well done, Murtagh!" cheered the Author.

"Yeah, go Murtagh!" shouted Eragon and Saphira.

"Yes, well… I'd like to tell you to stop those annoying ads! They drive me crazy!"

The Author cheered. Eragon turned to him/her. "Did you know he was going to say that?" he asked in an only slightly shocked voice.

"Obviously!" the Author cried. "I'm the Author, I'm writing the whole story!"

"Why?" asked Eragon.

"Umm, good question. I don't know, it might be because nobody else was."

"Good reason. Hey, where's Murtagh?" asked the Author. Eragon looked around. Where _was_ Murtagh? Meh, he could take care of himself. That's why he was the older brother.

"Come on, Saphira. Let's go to Hungry Jack's," said Eragon.

"The Burgers Are Better At Hungry Jacks! ™" said the Author.

"What was that for?" Saphira asked.

"What? I'm just implying that Hungry Jacks has good burgers!" the Author retorted.

"Fair enough." Eragon started walking, and soon Saphira followed him.

And where was Murtagh, exactly? When Weight Watchers™ hung up on him, he seized the chance to run away while Eragon, Saphira and the Author weren't looking. He went to the change rooms, and took all his clothes off until he was completely naked. Then, he put his 'Grim Reaper' cloak on, and hung all the stolen watches off little hook things. Hah, now the fun will really begin, he thought to himself. He laughed madly to himself, and his evil laugh got louder and louder until all the half-naked men in the room were staring at him. "Erm…" Murtagh cleared his throat. "I'll just go now." With that, he ran as fast as he could to Hungry Jack's and ordered a Kid's Club meal at the counter.

"Would you like a toy with that?" asked the person behind the counter.

"Yes, please! I love the toys!" He took his meal (toy and all) to one of the booths. Hey, there was Eragon and Saphira. He'd better put his hood up. At the other booth, Saphira nudged Eragon on the arm.

"Look, Eragon! It's the Grim Reaper!" Eragon looked where Saphira was pointing, and gulped.

"It's not after me, is it?"

"I think not, Little One."

"Why do you keep calling me 'Little One'? Why don't you call Murtagh something?"

"One, I call you that because you are little. And two, if you want, I shall now call Murtagh 'Slightly-Bigger One.' Will that keep you happy?"

"No comment." They both watched as the Grim Reaper walked out, playing with the little toy from his Kid's Club meal.

Outside, Murtagh walked up to a little boy with his mum. They seemed rich enough. "Psst, kid!" The kid came over to him. Murtagh opened his cloak, revealing the watches at cheap, cheap prices. The kid's jaw dropped to the ground. Murtagh had no underwear on, remember.

The child's mother came over. "Don't stare, Solembum! You have one, and your father has one! Although, at that price…" The mother looked at one of the silver watches, and handed Murtagh ten dollars.

"Hi, I'm Murtagh. Sorry for scaring your son like that." Whoa, Murtagh's hitting on older women!

"He's not my son, he's a Werecat. I travel where he travels, because I get lonely without him. He doesn't listen to what I tell him to do. My name's Angela." Murtagh watched Solembum as he changed from a boy to a cat, still keeping his shaggy hair. He then looked at the list, which for some reason he had, instead of Eragon.

"Hey, we have to give you a message from Islanzadí. She even put it in an envelope for you!" He handed Angela the envelope, and Angela read it out loud.

"To dear Angela,

Our studies have unfortunately proven that your theory on toads is correct. They do not exist, and were frogs all along. We shall send word to everybody in the empire as soon as possible. On a lighter note, would you kindly escort these two young boys and the dragon to Surda? They are on their way to the Varden. Going on a ship would probably be the best option, and Saphira would be more than happy to swim alongside it. I would recommend the 'Black Pearl', which I believe is at the Teirm Docks at the present moment. Tell no one; I don't want the shame of two students from Du Weldenvarden going to a special school for Shade Killers and Shade Eaters. Thank you for your cooperation.

Signed, Principal Islanzadí."

Angela finished reading, and looked at Murtagh. "That was short. But I think that means there's more than one of you," she stated.

Murtagh nodded enthusiastically. "Eragon and Saphira are at Hungry Jack's!"

He pointed towards Hungry Jack's straight across the road. There was a roar from Saphira, and the Fast Food restaurant went up in flames. All the staff and customers, including Eragon and Saphira, ran out of the flaming building. They ran up to Murtagh and said, "Would you believe us if we said it wasn't us?"

Murtagh thought for a minute, then shook his head. "Nope. Anyway, look! I found Angela and Solembum all by myself!" he said.

Saphira set one giant blue eye on the Werecat. "Solembum… that's a funny name!"

"Shut up!" said the Werecat. The Author appeared.

"Hey! I never said that anybody could leave the Naughty Corner! And you!" The Author pointed to Solembum. "You said a naughty word! Go to the Naughty Corner!"

"Ah, shit!" said everybody.

"That's it! You're all going to the Naughty Corner for half an hour!" yelled the Author.


	3. The Black Pearl

After all our main characters got out of the Naughty Corner, they went to KFC for tea. Murtagh's arms were tied to the chair with ropes so he couldn't eat anything. He watched as Solembum turned from a cat back in to a boy. Angela handed the boy some clothes and his dagger. Murtagh felt suddenly exposed as the door opened, letting in a blast of wind. He crossed his legs one way, then the other.

"Erm, would anybody mind helping me put my undies on? I'm feeling really exposed."

The Author grabbed Murtagh's undies out of his bag. "Ok, but only if you give me that gold watch for $9.95. What low, low prices!"

The Author opened Murtagh's cloak up all the way; so all the customers saw his completely naked body, and took a watch. Why do I get a hunch that the Author is a girl? "Hurry up, I feel uncomfortable! Everybody's staring at my…"

Far away, a bell chimed, a bird chirruped, a fire alarm sounded, an angry mob trampled over some flowers and Mark Webber won the Grand Prix… cough, cough. Yeah, right, like that will ever happen. No offense, Webber.

Back in KFC, the Author finished putting Murtagh's undies on. Murtagh stared at her. "Umm, I was hoping you could put them on me, not you."

Far away, a bell chimed again, another bird chirruped, the fire brigade put a fire out, a not-so-angry mob walked back over the trampled flowers and Mark Webber retired.

Returning to KFC, the Author had put Murtagh's underwear on the right person. "You look good without your underwear," she said. Murtagh looked away awkwardly. Saphira looked around.

"Hey, where are all the customers?" she asked.

"Who cares?" asked Angela. "Let's go and look at the ship that's carrying us to Surda."

Eragon looked up, interested. "Did you know that that ship has starred in three movies?" he asked. "And there's this really random part in the third movie where these people who are about to be hanged start singing?"

"Shut up, Eragon," said Nasuada. Everybody looked at her in shock.

"What are you doing here?" asked Angela. "I thought Murtagh and Eragon left you at Du Weldenvarden in Chapter 1!"

Nasuada looked at Angela happily. "Hi, Angela! It's been a while." She turned to Murtagh. "Can I please have my bra back? I kinda need it to…" Everybody stared guessing the end of her sentence.

"Hold your breasts up." – Saphira

"Wash." – Eragon

"Keep cans of Cat Food in." – Solembum

"Prove that toads don't exist and they were really frogs all along." – Angela

"Umm, keep a peace treaty with King Orrin?" – Murtagh

"Trade bras with your room mates at school." – Author

"Work out the secrets of our 11 secret herbs and spices." – Colonel Sanders (who had also appeared out of nowhere, just like the Author and Nasuada)

"Keep your Jar of Dirt Company." – Captain Jack Sparrow

Nasuada looked up at them all in disbelief. "How did you know? You're all right!" but then she turned to Saphira. "Except you." Murtagh reached in to his bag, and pulled out Nasuada's bright pink bra. Nasuada took it out of his hand. Everybody sat there smiling at her. "Ok, I'll just go," she said awkwardly. Solembum looked at Colonel Sanders.

"I have a business preposition for you…" he said, and that was when KFC released a line of Cat Foods. The rest of the people sitting at the table turned to Captain Jack Sparrow.

"What? I was hungry, and it didn't look like anybody was eating, so I thought I'd come over and eat all the potato & gravy," he explained.

"Let's nod," said the Author, and they started nodding. Eragon looked over at the sea captain and looked really excited.

"Hey! Aren't you the captain of the Black Pearl?" he asked. Jack looked shocked.

"How did you know?" he asked the guy with a blue dragon.

Eragon looked embarrassed. "I've seen your three movies, and I've got the computer games."

Captain Sparrow looked around in wonder. "Have I got movies and computer games about me?" he asked. Now seemed like a good time to break it to him.

"Hey! I'm the Author!" said the Author. "I say we go and look at the Pearl!" There was a general feeling of agreement.

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On board the Black Pearl, Jack looked up and down the line of new crewmembers. It didn't look too good. To him, they looked exactly like (from left to right) a half-cat half-human creature; the wicked witch of the west from The Wizard Of Oz; a big blue dragon; an Author who talked a lot; a high school dropout; his brother Murtagh; and that KFC guy.

"Deck's up top, rum's down below, everything else is somewhere in-between. Savvy?" he said. Bunch of no-hopers, he thought.

"Aye aye, capt'n!" yelled the no-hopers. Eragon looked at his brother. They were going somewhere worth going at long last.

"Now! We need an emblem for our flag!" said the Author.

"Hey!" said Jack, indignantly. "I was going to say that!"

"Say it, then!"

"Ok, maybe I will! … … … Now! We need an emblem for our flag!" said Jack.

"You got there at last. Hey! How about we put a dragon on the flag?" asked that KFC guy, a.k.a Colonel Sanders.

There were neutral feelings from everybody on deck; nobody really cared what they had on the flag. Hah, I just decided that my new favorite word is 'neutral'. Eragon stuck his hand up, almost hitting the Author in the eye. "Pick me! Pick me!"

"Ok, let me think… Yeah, I pick you!" said Jack.

"Yess! Can we have a fast food outlet on board the ship?" he asked, bouncing up and down, almost stepping on Solembum's tail.

"Yeah, sounds like a good idea!" – Author

"Great, but not Red Rooster, I hate that place. Cruelty to red roosters, Alagaësia says no" – Angela

"Make sure they sell cat food." – Solembum

"Mmm. Ok." – Murtagh

"Will they have sheeps? 'Coz I like sheeps." – Saphira

"Hi, everybody!" – Nasuada

"What the hell are you doing in this chapter again?" – Jack

"Hey! It can be KFC!" – Colonel Sanders

"Yay! I did something again! Hey, where's the toilets?" asked Eragon. Jack thought for a minute.

"You're a guy, right? Just go over the side of the ship. Don't actually go on the ship, because if everybody did that, the ship would sink. Not good" replied Jack. Angela, the Author and Saphira coughed. "Oh." He leaned in close to Sanders. "Make sure you include a toilet block in that KFC thing. Might keep down the riots for a bit." Riots. Hmm. Why didn't I think of that? The group left the ship, and went to Subway.

"Subway! Eat Fresh!" cried the Author. Seriously, what is up with her? Sanders and Jack went off together (please, no gross thoughts) to find some guy who seemed capable of building some KFC place on a ship. Murtagh, still in his 'Grim Reaper' cloak, decided to go back in to the black market, selling watches to some guys and some girls. The Author, of course, had absolutely nothing to do. She disappeared. Angela and Solembum left. Please tell me, what do they do in their spare time? So that left Eragon and Saphira. Alone. Together.

"Hey, Saphira! Let's go to Subway!"

"Looks like the Author's finally gotten to you." They sat. And thought. About stuff. And sheeps. Wow, those were some pretty cool sheeps. Eragon and Saphira lay on the sand, facing the sky. Wow, those were some pretty cool stars. Some of them even looked a bit like sheeps. That was amazing. "Ok, you win, Eragon. We'll go to Subway."

Eragon smiled. "Let's go. Oh, and Saphira?"

"Yes, Eragon?"

"Do you like fruit cake?"

Saphira snorted, and the two companion type people walked towards Subway for some lo-fat meals. Eragon said, "Can I have a cookie?"

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Murtagh looked towards some of the beach babes, sitting at the beach. Look at them, he thought. They're all skin and bones. Just look at them. Some more. Having their fancy barbecue, drinking their Pepsi… What was wrong with Fish and Chips with Coke? Murtagh walked up to them. He opened his cloak; the beach babes let out a collective 'aaahhh, so bright!' Murtagh grinned. He was sure gonna need a whole lot of watches after this. Why oh why didn't he think of selling watches to beach babes before? He walked off, his cloak relieved of all the watches, and a thick wad of cash in his hand. He pocketed it, and walked in to Subway. Those jingle things that the Author said were really catchy, and made you want to go to the aforementioned place straight away.

"Hi, Murtagh!" somebody cried. Murtagh jumped, and looked around. Oh, no, it was Eragon and Saphira. Quickly, find somewhere to hide. He sat at a table, next to a retarded looking lobster guy.

"Yay… Dr. Zoidberg has friends! Fwoop fwoop fwoop fwoop!"

"Right…" said Murtagh, reaching over and taking Zoidberg's kids meal.

"Oohhh…" Zoidberg let out a little groan.

"Sweet bananas in pajamas!" said a fat Jamaican guy across the table. "Dr. Zoidberg, we're in the wrong FanFiction story!" Jamaica-type guy and Zoidberg got up and ran away to the correct story. Oh no, thought Murtagh. Now Saphira and Eragon can see me! Quick, hide somewhere else. Hey, look! There's a giant blue dragon in the middle of the restaurant! What a great place to hide… Murtagh ran over and hid himself below the dragon's tail. Saphira lifted her tail up.

"What are you doing, you idiot?" she asked.

Murtagh looked up at her, and thought. It looked hard, and he gave up easily. He put his hands over his eyes. "If I can't see you, you can't see me!" he exclaimed. He disappeared.

Eragon looked around in shock. "Hey! Where did he go?"

Saphira rolled her eyes. "You idiot, he jumped on to my back!"

Eragon looked up at Murtagh, lying on the dragon's back. "Hmm, so he did. Why didn't I see him jump?"

Saphira rolled her eyes, but the opposite way. It looked as if her whole eyes were blue. "Let me think about that. Oh yeah! You were expelled because of your poor marks…"

Eragon looked up at her. For some reason he had a determined look on his face. "I wasn't expelled, I dropped out!"

Saphira snorted, and Murtagh fell off her back. She watched as he ran out the door, yelling at Jamaica and Dr. Zoidberg to take him with them. He was too late. The Planet Express ship had already left, and was speeding away. Well, at least Murtagh still had that kids meal of Zoidberg's. He sat down, sobbing, and started eating. This is what it sounded like: sob, sob, munch, munch, munch, sob, munch, munch, "Oh, look! A Kid's Meal toy!"

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Meanwhile, Jack and Colonel Sanders had found a suitable delivery company that said they built fast food outlets on ships as well. The captain had one eye and long purple hair. The guy had two eyes and normal orange hair. The robot had two extendable eyes and a pole type thing on his head. There was also a Cantonese girl from Mars, a giant lobster, a fat Jamaican guy and an old man.

Jack gave them the plans. "Now, once you've done this fast food outlet, I'll take you Bungee Jumping, Savvy?"

The delivery company yelled out "Yay!" at the same time. This is going to be fun… At that exact moment, Murtagh appeared, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Hello, it's my good friend, Murtagh!" said Dr. Zoidberg.

"Hey, Zoidberg, wanna go Bungee Jumping?"

"Yay! Zoidberg gets to go Budgie Jumping with his pal!"

The rest of the delivery company started complaining. "Awwww, man, that's unfair! We wanna come too!"

"No!" stated Jack. "The rest of you don't get to do any kind of jumping until you finish this fast food outlet! Savvy?"

"Hooray for Dr. Zoidberg!"

Murtagh started singing. "Come on, come on, I don't need anyone to tell me what to believe…"

The Cantonese girl blocked her ears and started swearing in a foreign language. Apart from that, nobody minded Murtagh's crappy singing voice.

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"More sunscreen, Solembum?"

"No thanks, Angela. How am I meant to get a tan if I keep on putting sunscreen on?"

"Good point," replied Angela. She sat on the sand, wearing a two-piece bathing suit. Solembum lay besides her, wearing just a pair of board shorts. Seriously, those two should think more. You can't get a tan at nighttime, and you certainly don't need sunscreen. Angela shivered.

"Maybe we should go to bed."

Solembum got excited. "Can we sleep on the Black Pearl tonight?"

"Good idea. Maybe we should all sleep on board the ship tonight."

"Yesss! I've got such great ideas. And we can eat cat food all night long!"

"Uh, no. No cat food."

"Awwww…"

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Eragon, Saphira, Murtagh, Sanders, Solembum, Angela, Jack and the Author sat around a small magical campfire on the deck of the Pearl. It was dark. Nearly midnight. Sanders looked around.

"Who took the Bucket of Chicken?" he asked. There was a fwoop-fwoop-fwoop sound from the shadows. Eragon yelped, and hid behind Murtagh. Doctor Zoidberg stepped out of the shadowy place, holding an empty paper bucket in his hand. Seriously, the Author should kill some of her imagination. This is starting to sound just like those x-over stories. Not Good.

"Aha! It is I, Dr. Zoidberg!" he cried. There were crumbs all over his rented Doctors costume. "The giant shrimp has outsmarted the prey!"

Angela looked confused. "Ok… Who's that guy? And why is he pinkish?"

Saphira looked the giant lobster up and down. "Why is he wearing sandals?"

Jack was angry. "Hey! You're not working on KFC until tomorrow! What am I paying you for, roasting marshmallows over a magical fire?"

"Precisely! Hey, look! It's my good friend Murtagh!"

"Get a life, shrimp!" cried the Author. There was an almost silent whooshing sound. "Umm, what was that? I don't remember planning to put that in the story!" There was another whooshing sound. A cloaked figure flew up over the edge of the ship. He had orange hair and a long sword.

"AAAAHHH! ICHIGO KUROSAKI!" yelled Solembum and Saphira. Who knew magical creatures could get scared so easily?

"Oy, you two!" shouted the Author, pointing towards them. "Get in the Naughty Corner! You almost broke my ear drums!"

"ダイス、邪悪な空!" cried Ichigo Kurosaki, attempting to crack Zoidberg's head shell thing open with his sword.

"What did you say?" asked Eragon.

"Halfwit! He said, 'Die, you evil hollow'! Seriously, didn't you pay any attention in Japanese class at school?" growled Murtagh.

"So what do we do with him?" asked Jack. Everybody looked at the Strawberry with blank faces. It was a good question. What _do _we do with him?

A/N: Good question… I need help, what do we do with him? By now, you should realize that the Author's not smart. This is ending up an Eragon/Pirates/KFC/Futurama/Bleach crossover. And I'm afraid I might have to add the cookie monster as well, for old times sake.


	4. Life & Death

A/N: Juuust a minute, I need to do a quick character recap to keep myself on track. Uh, let's see, there's Eragon and Murtagh (the Original High School Dropouts), Saphira, Angela and Solembum (some crazy duo who were trying to get a suntan at night), Jack Sparrow, Colonel Sanders, Dr. Zoidberg (and the rest of the Futurama crew, I should point out) the Author, and now Ichigo Kurosaki. Thanks for that… So many characters, seriously, if I add one more character not from Eragon without putting more permanent Eragon characters, I'm gonna have to move this to the x-overs section. Not a pretty thought, but then again, nothing really is these days.

"ダイス、邪悪な空!" Ichigo repeated. This was maddening. Did this pink shrimp-looking hollow not speak Japanese? Did any of these pale misfits speak Japanese? No. It was frustrating. Eh, may as well speak English… "Could you not hear me? I _said_, 'Die, you evil hollow!' and this is the part where my sword goes through your head and you go to the Soul Society!"

"Wonderful! Wonderful!" cried Zoidberg. "Please continue!" He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a notepad and a pen. "This is so interesting!" he said, and started writing.

"Can we just hurry up with this whole thing and start roasting marshmallows over the fire?" asked Angela, getting annoyed.

"Yeah! I'm beginning to get the idea that you guys are no fun! Do you want me to think that?" said Solembum. He opened a fresh can of cat food, and held it over the fire. Once 'roasted', he ate the contents and threw the empty can over his shoulder. There was a loud crash as it landed in a huge pile of other empty cat food tins.

"Uh… Does it seem to anybody else like we're sinking?" asked Jack. Everybody ran to the sides of the ship and hung their heads over the side, trying to get a good look. The water swelled up around their ankles.

"Yes, we're sinking! Quick, throw the empty cans overboard… GODDAMMIT, DO IT FOR THE 11 SECRET HERBS AND SEASONINGS!" yelled Colonel Sanders. While everybody else (including Ichigo) threw empty tins out into the sea, he fell down against the Captain's cabin and started sobbing. Finally, his stronger emotions took hold. 'Do it for the chicken wings!' he thought. He got up at last and assisted in the effort to throw stuff off the edge of a famous ship. Once the last can was thrown overboard, the Black Pearl jumped up, and bobbed up and down like a cork in a bathtub, or in any large body of water. At last, when the ship calmed down, all the characters climbed into their sleeping bags. Eragon went off to find another sleeping bag for Ichigo. Nobody noticed that one other sleeping bag was empty. Nobody noticed that Murtagh wasn't around, or that the Author's friend wasn't at her house in the rainy suburbs of Melbourne, Australia. And nobody noticed the very disturbing sounds coming from the downstairs closet…

"AAAAGGH!" cried Eragon, as he opened the downstairs closet. "Hey, everybody, look! Murtagh is getting busy with the Cookie Monster!"

Everybody rushed down to see this exciting spectacle. They stared, their mouths dropping open. They all let out a gasp. There was Murtagh, completely naked yet again, with a blue, furry, huddled up body resting in the crook of his shoulder.

" Cookie Monster! How could you… make out with my other best friend?" – Author

"Looks like you'll be needing a new best friend, Author!" – Ichigo

"Murtagh! How could you? I thought you were _my_ boyfriend!" – Nasuada

"Quick, somebody take a photo of me with my pal Murtagh doing this blue furry monster together!" – Zoidberg

"Piss off, Zoidberg. Nobody likes you!" – Solembum

"Awwww…" – Zoidberg again

"Awwww, how cute they look together" – Saphira

"Yeah, well, some people think you look cute together with _Thorn_! Take that, Saphira!" – Angela

"Ouch, that hurt!" – Saphira

"Ha, all bow down to me, because I found them out! I am like an immortal goddess -- I mean, god!" – Eragon

"To think this kind of bodily actions has been going on at the future sight of KFC, how disturbing" – Colonel Sanders

"Murtagh, I'm very disappointed in you, come back to see me afterwards… I wish cookie monsters would still want to do it with _me_ in the downstairs closet" – Jack Sparrow

"Yeah, Murtagh! Go to the Naughty Corner for half an hour!" – Author

The Cookie Monster started crying, and Murtagh put a comforting arm around him. Alas, all the attention got too much for the cookie-eating monster, so, with a towel around his body to hide his nakedness, he ran to the edge of the ship and jumped over the edge. There was a splashing noise as the Cookie Monster swam (supposedly freestyle) back to the beach. The others looked around guiltily and warily backed away and up the stairs, back into their sleeping bags. Angela looked around at her comrades' guilty faces.

"I know! We can play 'Truth Or Dare'."

Zoidberg let out a cheer. "Fwoop fwoop fwoop fwoop! It will be fun. We can dare each other to fill all seven of our mouths with popcorn and sing the Mermish alphabet!"

"Uh, Zoidberg, humans only have one mouth. Idiot." Ichigo was learning people's names quickly. He's very smart. But everybody formed their sleeping bags in a circle anyway.

"MEOW!" cried Solembum, as Saphira stepped on his tail. He sat next to Angela; who sat next to Saphira; who sat next to Eragon; who was sitting next to an empty space where Murtagh should be; next to that was Zoidberg; who sat next to Ichigo; who sat next to the Author; who sat next to Jack; who sat next to Sanders; who sat on the other side of Solembum. See, the Author had it clearly planned out in her head, and had even made an Excel sheet about it…

"Ok! Ok! I dare Jack to skull a liter of sea water!" cried Zoidberg.

Jack looked up at the nincompoop from the fresh bucket of chicken. "Idiot, what are you on? You have to ask 'Truth or Dare' first. That's where the name came from. Is any of this getting into that thick skull of yours?" shouted Jack, probably louder than he should have.

"Just do the dare, Jack? Are you scared or something?" asked Angela, just as loudly.

"Hey, guys! Watcha doin'?" said a shadowy figure, as he walked out of the shadowy place. The moonlight illuminated his not-so-shadowy figure. He had bright orange hair and a weird haircut to match, a red jacket with a white t-shirt underneath and a pair of blue jeans. He smiled in a slightly stupid kind of way. It was Fry.

"Okay, what am I paying _you_ for?" barked Jack.

Fry shrugged. "Nothin', yet. Hey! Are you playing Truth or Dare? Can I join in?" he asked.

"Whoa, just a minute, I need to add another Eragon character," said the Author. Because she was thinking so hard of whom to add, she didn't hear the deafening flapping sounds that announced the arrival of a dragon that wasn't Saphira. Any guesses?

"THORN!" cried Murtagh, fully dressed, coming up from below deck. "Why didn't you take me with you to the Bahamas?" he roared.

Thorn looked thoughtful for a couple of seconds. "Murtagh, master, slightly bigger one, I am afraid that I cannot answer that with words," he said to Murtagh, hovering in midair for a couple more minutes. The Author still didn't notice the huge red dragon covering the moonlight. Eragon, in a slightly better position on the deck than the Author, looked on Thorn's back. It appeared to be a person.

"Roran! What are you doing on Thorn's back?" he asked loudly enough for his cousin to hear.

"This crazy dragon spotted me on holiday in the Bahamas, and said, 'Hey, you're from the same story as me', and then strapped me to his back using a small cup of 2 Minute Noodles, tying the individual noodles together. Tell your stupid brother to get his dragon to untie me!" shouted Roran, obviously not happy with being strapped to a dragon's back with noodles.

"Stop sidetracking the Author! She's trying to write this story, and she doesn't need you two arguing about dragons and the Bahamas and 2 minute noodles!" roared Murtagh. "Get on with it, you stupid red-headed git!" he yelled, turning back to Thorn.

"What did you call me?" asked Fry.

"Back to _our_ conversation, Slightly Bigger One!" cried Thorn, addressing Murtagh. "As I said, I am afraid that I cannot answer that question with words. But, on the up side, I can sing a song!"

"Oh, no, you got him singing again? How could you do this to me? You're meant to be my fing cousin!" yelled Roran.

"That is it! Roran, get off that awesome singing dragon and get yourself into the Naughty Corner!" yelled the Author. If you think we should get rid of her and throw her overboard, vote 'Author', and then tell me your favorite song title for no reason at all.

"Ok. Here I go." Thorn started singing his favorite Green Day song.

"Wherever you go, you know I'll be there 

_If you go far, you know I'll be there_

_I'll go anywhere, so I'll see you there_

_You place the name, you know I'll be there_

_You name the time you know I'll be there_

_I'll go anywhere so I'll see you there_

_I don't care if you don't mind_

_I'll be there not far behind_

_I will dare, keep in mind_

_I'll be there for you"_

"Bravo! Well done! Everybody get out your mobile phone and vote for Thorn on Alagaësia Idol!" cried Eragon.

"Hey, Thorn! Come sit next to me! If we have a shortage of Dragon Sized Sleeping Bags, you can share mine!" said Saphira. Warning: Block your ears and shut your eyes and hope that this isn't the reason for the legendary 'Purple Egg' that you other Eragon FanFiction authors talk about…

A/N: Hahahahaha! I think. Yay! I included the Cookie Monster! And Fry! But, seriously, if you think we should get rid of the Author, just tell me. She's really starting to get on my nerves… Sending Roran to the naughty corner like that just 'coz he said a bad word… Let's stop bitching about the Author and vote her off. NOW!

Afterthought: Reviews would be nice.


	5. Strange Goings On & A Deep Fryer

**Sorry for the long wait between updates. During that time, I learnt that coffee tastes really weird, and I learnt the E minor chord on guitar. So that was fun. Tell me what you think about this chapter, it's a bit more serious than the other chapters. Well, parts of it are.**

**My New Year's Resolution is to get chapter 10 up by the end of the year.**

Disappointed 

_You know there's never gonna be a cheery face inside this crowded room_

_Think you're the shit now_

_Because my lingo is so out of the loop - why yes I'm out of the loop_

_Let's turn our nose up, become a snob_

_Because we're treading on rooves_

_Cause we're so fing cool_

_Oh give the act up_

_You know you're geeks_

_Conglomerate in the city we speak of_

_Cause you don't always get what you want_

Can colours tell you about a character's personality? If so, what colours would represent each of the characters? Solembum would be represented by a tawny brown because of his feline side, which also happened to be tawny brown. His companion Angela could be represented by one of two colours – green, for her love of plants and herbs, or yellow, for her almost warped happiness and caring qualities. Ichigo – maybe orange like his hair, but also showing that he has a good amount of energy, both spiritual and physical. Murtagh's colour would be black on account of his bleak past and a bleaker future at a dumbass school. And the Author? It's hard to tell. But at the present moment, it would have been coffee brown, a lot like the colour of coffee.

It wasn't that early in the morning when Eragon woke up. In fact, it was just a bit before lunch. Ah, he thought, I think I can have a quick pre-lunch meal before lunch. It wouldn't be the weirdest thing to happen onboard this ship and you know it. All the sleeping bags that had surrounded his the night before were gone. He sat up and Angela came up the stairs holding the hand of an overactive Author, who was currently jumping up and down and holding her tummy as if she needed to go to the toilet. "Hi, Eragon!" Angela chirruped. "I'll just be gone for a minute – I've got to take this small child writer to the hospital. She had a coffee overdose," she ended in a whisper so as to not insult the author in question. And I must say, it was very kind of her. I was not insulted one bit.

Eragon shrugged, and proceeded to roll up his sleeping bag. He couldn't help overhearing a rather warped conversation between Roran and Ichigo.

"I can't help how I feel! It's not my fault!"

"I don't care if it's not your fault! You haven't even known me for twelve hours!"

"But I love you!"

"Just stay away from me, ok!?!"

Ichigo walked out of the captain's cabin and slammed the door in Roran's face. It was obvious to everybody (except maybe Murtagh, who was doing the dirty laundry somewhere far below deck,) that he was angry and maybe even upset about something. Eragon preferred to listen to the heavy thuds that announced the re-arrival of Saphira and Thorn. The male dragon had stocked up on food, clothes and bedding to last for months like a good little boy, but Saphira hadn't. Instead, she'd bought a dog. It was yellow with brown spots and, as everybody found out later, its name was Spot. Sound familiar? Although it sounds like Saphira had been selfish and irresponsible, she had in fact brought stuff for it to eat and play with as well. After dumping the 'other stuff' in the middle of the deck, both the dragons attended to their new best friend. After having his tail trodden on by Saphira and his ear almost chewed of by Spot, Solembum decided he'd be much better off having a catnap in the crow's nest.

"Well, okay, we're done here," came a voice from the stairs. It was the Planet Express captain. "Our paychecks, please." She held her hand out to Jack and the Colonel. Sanders handed her a few paychecks, each addressed to different members of her crew, and Jack handed her several gold dubloons.

"It's a tip," he stated, as if that was the answer to everything he'd ever asked in his life. Which it could have been, by the way.

The space captain led her crew off the ship. She turned around to see that Fry, Bender, and Zoidberg were waiting behind.

"What do you three want?" she asked.

Bender and Fry glanced at each other. Zoidberg went to the toilet. "Erm, you see, Leela…" started Fry.

"Well, we really, really like you… It's just that…" added Bender.

"We – we want to stay on the Black Pearl!" rushed Fry.

"You idiots!" cried Leela. "This is a dropout ship! For dropouts! They're going to a dropout school!"

"I'm a dropout!" defended Fry.

"I'm a dropout's best friend. Does that count?" asked Bender.

"Fine. Stay. See if I care." Without a proper goodbye to her only friends, she led the others back to their ship.

"Well, that worked out pretty well!" stated Murtagh. "You guys can be my best friends."

"What about that other retard that you hung out with?" asked Bender.

"Long story short, my cousin fell in love with my best friend and my best friend finally fell in love with my cousin and followed him downstairs and now they're most likely performing yaoi," said Murtagh, and took a deep breath. "If you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about it as the whole concept makes me sick." He finished. After a few quiet moments, there was a soft clacking sound in the corner. Everybody turned around.

"I'm back!" No reply. "What? A way-older-than-you person's not allowed to knit?" asked Angela. "Anyways, where's Solembum?" Everybody looked up at the crow's nest.

"Hi, Murtagh! What a funny coincidence meeting you here!" said Nasuada, just appearing in the middle of the deck and joining everybody staring up towards the sky.

"GYAAH!" cried Murtagh as he jumped back, clearly still uncomfortable with his girlfriend appearing in the most random of places and the most random of times.

"I've got a parcel and a letter for you!" she stated proudly, pleased with herself for doing a good job at parcel delivery.

Murtagh opened it. It had an assortment of his jeans and t-shirts. He smiled. He'd been missing his real clothes, as he was starting to feel rather exposed down _there_. After a few moments of everybody silently watching him get dressed, Ichigo, who'd recently appeared from below deck holding hands with Roran, stepped forward and took the letter. He read it over a few times and handed it to Eragon. "I can't read English," he explained. So, in the end, Eragon had to read it aloud. It was full of grammar mistakes – what did you expect? He's a high school dropout!

"Dear Dropouts, Angela, and others that these idiots have picked up along the way,

We have sent word to everywhere possible at present that toads were actually frogs. Many of the servants of the empire don't yet believe us. Oh, well. These things take time. I understand that you have not left the Teirm docks yet, which is just as well. There have been strange goings on at Doru Areabu. For the time being, you will have to act as my special agents – all my other special agents and message carriers have come down with a mysterious disease that the Author made up when she entered the mental institution. You will have to check it out and use Nasuada to report back to me. Sorry for the inconvenience. I am sure that you want to get back to school as soon as possible. From Islanzadí."

I should note that everybody started coughing as soon as Eragon read out that they wanted to get back to school as soon as possible. Or was that just me?

"Well!" said Jack, jumping up. "Does anybody know how to start this thing?" he asked, gesturing to the ship. Everybody stared at the ground guiltily. Even Solembum did, and he was still up the crow's nest.

"You can," stated Eragon.

"Oh, right." Jack scratched the back of his head. After a few rage-filled minutes, they had the sails down and were a few meters closer to Doru Areabu. But still, they were moving faster and faster all the time. "You're right. I do know how to work this thingamabob." He jumped as the Colonel tapped his back. He'd just returned from an unnoticeable absence.

"Hey, guess what? The deep fryer works!" And with that pretty serious comment, everybody (including Nasuada and Solembum) was below deck eating chicken, chips, coke (which you thought couldn't be eaten…), and an assortment of deep fried mystery objects. Nobody had a thought for the past, present, or future. All they could concentrate on was their stomachs.

**Whaddya think? It took me ages to get the plot right, and even then, this is all I came up with. The lyrics are Get What You Want by Operator Please. I apologize to those of you that strongly dislike songfics. Reviews please! ) **


	6. PreArrival At Doru Areabu

It had been a long and exhausting week

It had been a long and exhausting week. For one, Roran and Ichigo split up and got back together a million times. Literally. Then, Angela thought that Saphira was pregnant, but it turned out that the poor dragon was the only one from the dropout crew to put on weight after she ate the deep fried deep fryer. Thorn didn't talk to Murtagh any more, as he was too interested in the dog to care whether or not his human wanted to get back into the black market after being kicked out. Solembum… Well, nobody saw him much any more. He spent most of his time in the crow's nest, where Spot couldn't get him. And everybody got used to Nasuada's random disappearings and finding her in such places as KFC's drop-dunny or the bed sheet closet.

But still, thought Eragon, it was much more interesting that watching porn on YouTube. The day of the Mystery Objects, they'd been called to attention by _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, who had looked over the side of the ship and cried out, 'Oh, #!, The ship's drifted downstream!' Sure enough, everybody ignored Jack's improper grammar (and swearing), and looked in the same direction to see Teirm floating on a weird landmass behind them.

"Row! Get out the sails! Go that way!" shouted Murtagh.

"What would you know about a ship?" Eragon had asked. "The only thing you were good at was Japanese!"

"So? At least I was good at something…" the elder replied.

"Will you two stop bickering for one minute and help us row this dastardly boat in the opposite direction?" cried Angela.

"What about Solembum and Spot? They don't have to help. Why do we?"

"Uh, let's think, boys. Spot's a dog. Dogs can't row. But you know what they can do? Chase cats. Solembum juuust happens to be a cat. Get the picture?" Eragon, Murtagh, Roran and Nasuada (the latter two had just joined the conversation) stared at the old witch with blank faces. "Oh, I give up. Just row, all of you. Roran, can you get the Colonel and Ichigo to help us out?"

Roran fled downstairs, and the three immature ones took their seats. (That's Eragon, Murtagh, and Nasuada, in case you're wondering.)

So that was why Eragon had been stuck next to Murtagh for two days straight, just rowing. And rowing. And then, for a change, rowing some more. Murtagh found out that the Colonel wasn't only useful as a deep fryer operator, but as an ideas person as well. It was windy. The sails weren't up. You can work out the rest.

Of course, that meant that nobody had to row for a few days. Apart from Jack Sparrow (who finally worked out how to steer the ship), they all concentrated on how to get the deep fried deep fryer out of Saphira's belly. Long story short, they succeeded.

DropOutDropOutDropOut

Yesterday, Roran had come out of the laundry covered in bruises. "Guess what, guys!" he cried. Murtagh and Eragon glanced at each other, and looked back at their cousin. They obviously didn't know what to guess.

Nasuada was close. "Uh, your boxers attacked you as you took them out of the dryer? I know I would, if I was your boxers."

"I said _guys_!" sighed Roran. "But anyways. I got into a fight with a washing machine and I Lost! I bet none of you could do that!" Murtagh and Eragon looked up at him, their faces full of admiration.

"Wow, you are so cool…" – Eragon

"I could have done that if I tried!" – Murtagh, trying to look bored

"The boxers idea was better," – Nasuada

"Anyway, guess what I found in the washing machine after it stopped attacking me?" continued Roran. Everybody stayed quiet.

"Beer? I need beer. Please tell me that you found beer in the washing machine," said Bender.

Nasuada jumped. "What are you still doing here?"

"Shut up, Nasuada. I found THORN in the washing machine. Except he's all pink and small." Roran put his hand into his pocket and pulled something out. It was Thorn, who was looking very unhappy. And very pink. Maybe he was just blushing because he was embarrassed about what he did to the washing machine.

DropOutDropOutDropOut

So now it was today. Saturday. Four thirty in the afternoon. And they were rowing again. Still, the wind was blowing hard and the sails were up, so Eragon at least was just pretending to row. He thought everyone else was as well.

"Who wants to know the 6 signs of puberty?" asked Fry. He was bored, and couldn't think of anything else to say. The 6 signs of puberty were the only things he actually knew. That cleared up any doubts that he was a drop out.

"Shut up, redhead!" – Angela

"I like cheese…" – Colonel Sanders

"What's this about rum? Who was talking about rum?" – Jack Sparrow

"Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" – Solembum

"Woof! Bark! Insert doggy sounds here!" – Spot

"One day, I'm gonna do something to that dog," – Saphira

"Eeep! Puberty!" – Mini Thorn

Murtagh, despite the replies of the others (most of which had nothing to do with anything), was listening attentively to Fry. So, Fry repeated them to him. Murtagh looked down at his brother. "Y'know, all of those apply to me!" Eragon slumped in his seat and actually rowed for a bit. Then he went upstairs and found something to deep fry. The only thing he could see that wasn't needed for the ship to function was a coil of rope, so he took that down to the deep fryer. It tasted way better than if it wasn't deep-fried. Which was probably a relief for Eragon.

Saphira, having followed him upstairs, was looking in a general forwards direction. She held her gaze, and Eragon could sense her excitement building through their mental link. After a few more minutes of Eragon chewing on the rope and Saphira twitching her tail, the dragon flew off into the distance. When she came back half an hour later, she was more than just excited.

_Eragon! I can see Vroengard! Doru Areabu isn't too far away!_

_Great… Shouldn't it be a bit further away, though?_

_Don't worry, this is only a work of fiction. Nobody's taking this seriously._

_Thanks, Saphira, now you tell me! How was I meant to know that this was only a fictional story written for the entertainment of others?_

Murtagh and Roran jumped up the stairs, followed by Fry and Ichigo (who, for some reason which has absolutely nothing to do with Roran breaking up with him, was sulking in his room for two days). "Whazzup?" asked Ichigo, in a fruitless attempt to re-build his image.

Eragon turned to Saphira, then to his friends. "If we keep up good speed, we should get to Doru Areabu before nightfall. Isn't that great?" he cried.

Murtagh shrugged. "Sure… If you want to go to Doru Areabu. Which I don't."

"Well…" Fry shrugged. "You could go back into the black market while you're there. I bet you those black marketers have missed you!" Not surprisingly, that lifted Murtagh's mood a bit. He took out a ball of wool and some knitting needles and sat in the bow of the ship and began to knit. Roran, Eragon, Fry and Ichigo looked at each other and raised their eyebrows.

"Is that… Is that Angela's knitting?" asked Roran.

Murtagh suddenly went all defensive. "Maybe! But I can knit if I want! Have you got a problem with me knitting?"

"Could you teach me how to knit?" asked Ichigo.

Roran stared at him. "I didn't know you wanted to learn how to knit…"

DropOutDropOutDropOut

What Eragon and Saphira said proved true. Before Murtagh had finished his knitting lesson and making a scarf for Ichigo, the Black Pearl had landed in a natural harbor of Doru Areabu. It was getting dark quickly, so Jack decided for everybody that they were staying on the ship until morning, when they would all dive off the side of the ship to have a bath, then get back on.

"But still," said Angela, "I'm wondering why Islanzadí wants us to check out this island. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it."

"Just 'coz it looks okay doesn't mean to say it is! I mean, look at Thorn. He may look small and innocent and pink, but he's not. He likes to go through people's underwear when they're not around," said Roran. "Sometimes, he brings me some. That's why I have so much underwear when nobody else does."

People and Magical Creatures alike chose to ignore that comment and take a bath. The bath did nothing, since it was salt water. When they were all dried, they were possibly more sticky than before, which meant they were going to have an uncomfortable night sleep.

**You know, my New Year's Resolution isn't going so well… Either I need to reconsider it or write really fast.**


End file.
